Vincent left work early to get a new suit for his cousin’s wedding. The only store where he could find any suit within his price range was Carter’s House of Style. As he entered he was greeted by a young well groomed man named Rick. When Vincent described the suit he wanted to Rick pondered for a second then began to lead him down a very narrow aisle. As Vincent followed him he took notice that Rick dragged his left leg as he walked. As Vincent finished his purchase he struck up a conversation with Rick. As they got to know each other better Vincent then felt at ease enough to invite Rick out for a night on the town.That evening Vincent pulled up to a decent sized house in a very nice neighborhood and honked the horn three times. After four minutes Rick dressed in a collared shirt and gelled hair came outside and got in the car with Vincent. When Rick asked Vincent where they were going he told Rick it as a surprise and he would find out soon enough. As Vincent began driving he started to feel disoriented from the three joints he smoked before he left his apartment. Ten minutes later they arrived at a gentlemen’s club called The Iron Camel. Rick was very surprised by this place considering the fact that he thought he and Vincent were going on a date.
As they entered the club they took notice it was full of cigar smoke and neon lights. Rick and Vincent sat down and were met by a very seductive lady who called herself Natasha. Rick was very intimidated by her fiery red hair. He began to feel uncomfortable fairly quickly and went outside to have a cigarette. After a half hour Vincent exited the club and asked him what was wrong. Rick lied and said he was not feeling well and asked if Vincent would take him home. Vincent concurred that he felt tired and went inside to get his keys.
After 20 minutes Rick heard a loud noise from inside and quickly ran in. Rick fought his way in against the crowds of people running out and saw a large man slung over the bar unconscious bleeding a little from his forehead and the red headed girl he met over him her hands stained with a crimson glaze. Rick glanced around quickly and saw no sign of Vincent anywhere. As he made his way around the bar counter he saw Vincent lying on the floor with a broken bottle lying in his chest. When Rick made eye contact with Natasha she ran outside quickly. Already hearing sirens on there way Rick knew Vincent would get the medical attention he needed; Rick grabbed Vincent’s car keys lying next to him and pursued the woman.
Rick left the club and saw Natasha get in to a small blue car and begin to drive off. Rick quickly hopped in Vincent’s 1978 Gremlin and followed her. As he drove behind her he could tell she knew he was following her by the way she made a u-turn quickly accelerated onto a dirt road crashing through a sign marked “No entrance, private property. Rick only being driven by intrigue and determination knew he would not stop chasing her until he found out what had happened.
He could almost know she was not familiar with his road by the way she drove crazily swerving on and of the dirt path. As the pursuit developed into a five minute chase Rick looked at the instrument panel and saw that he was almost out of gas and realized this chase couldn’t last much longer. When he finally got close to her Natasha came to a screeching halt with a deafening crash causing Rick to rear end her car. When he got out looking at this horrific accident he examined the driver’s seat an instantly could tell she didn’t survive colliding into the tree. Rick knew no amount of dismay would bring him any answers. He walked ahead into the darkness knowing that there were still secrets left hidden that were harder to see than the path that lay before him.
8 comments:
Great story Jeff. I think the last paragraph rapped up the story perfectly and the last sentence was a question like response that is very good.
Jeff, I think your story is really unlike any other that is or will be posted on this blog. You have the most original ideas and I really didn't expect the ending. I like it how you were very thourough in your story plot so that simple questions did not go unanswered. Something i noticed was that there were several errors in the first paragraph and a couple others throughout the body of the story. Editing is very important so next time you might think about doing more proof reading. Great job anyway. I liked it a lot.
Your story used great Character development. I liked the way you used the character's actions to reveal their characteristics it reminded me of how J.K. Rowling used Harry potter's actions to get you a feal of his characteristics. Your story had good action and a sense of mystery and was well-written. I also liked the way you introduced the bad girl character because that left the reader to ponder if this girl was going to do something bad and it kept the reader inticed. The only thing that I think you could improve on is the moral of th estory becaused I wondered what it was. However, great story and phenominal character development
Great story Jeff. I really enjoyed reading your very original ideas. I thought the story flowed well and was easy to follow. Your ending paragraph was also very interesting. Good job.
that was a very interesting story jeff. I liked how at the end you left a cliffhanger to make the reader wonder what happens next. It was also an interesting plot choice.
Very good.
Okay, you heard what I have to say, cause you're right next to me, but I will tell you in the comment.
This was a very interesting and I agree with Taylor, you ideas were very orginal.
The beginning confused me a bit, but reading it over, I guess it makes sense. I'm just not one to take a random guy clubbing.
The middle of this story reminded me of The Matrix, when they were in the club. It gave good imagery to the story.
The ending however was my favourite part. The tension kept growing and growing and the way you ended it sort of snapped it in half very well.
The last line was great. Seriously, I wish I had thought of it.
Well done, man.
Jeff,
There's a lot I enjoyed about this tale, from things like your characters' names and their development, to the adult content and plot structure.
There are some unique details (1978 Gremlin, cigar smoke and neon lights, honked the horn three times) that I appreciated.
I wonder, though, if too much happens too quickly. I know the assignment asked you to create and resolve a conflict, but perhaps you could focus more on a character's internal conflict, and avoid the dramatic car accident.
I think you have a lot to work with here. I wouldn't be surprised to see these characters in a future story later on down the road.
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