Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Dark Side by Rachael B


Everyone thought that I had the perfect life. My brother was an all-star shortstop for our school team, my dad loved his job, my mom stayed home to take care of us, and I was a straight A student. School was a fun for me because my classes were simple and homework was a breeze. I did have one friend named Sarah. We were best friends since second grade. She was much more outgoing and popular than me and she always tried to help me gain more confidence, but it never worked. Everything had been going smoothly for me.

The whole town had been in fright ever since there was an emergency announcement stating that someone had been murdered in the town. People were acting more paranoid than normal. They didn’t say who was killed, but when our phone rang I prayed that it wasn’t someone we knew. The word was out, my best friend Sarah was murdered. The police said that she was lying in her room with knife wounds. They said that they couldn’t find any trace of evidence on the body or in the bedroom. Everyone in school was in complete shock from the news. There was a moment of silence for her after the school announcements. On my way home I saw flowers in front of Sarah’s house for her parents out of respect.

Eli came home around five thirty from practice. He is very popular in school. As a result from that everyone calls me Eli’s sister. For dinner we had green bean casserole, which I never ate. My parents think that I love it, but I just slide the food into the flowerpot behind me. After dinner I went upstairs to lie on my bed. Something sharp had poked my leg when I sat down. I pulled out my sheets and I found a bloody knife.

My hand was trembling at the sight of it. When my mom knocked on the door, I had to act fast so I hid the knife in my drawer. All she just wanted to know was if I wanted any apple pie for desert, even though she knows that I hate apples. I said no thanks and she went back down stairs. The whole night I was contemplating on what to do with my situation. I was trying to think if someone were trying to frame me, or if they were giving me a sign that I would be the next victim.

I didn’t get any sleep that night because I was so paranoid. I thought that maybe it was all a dream and was imagining things, but when I opened my drawer I realized that it was reality. That morning when I walked down stairs something seemed wrong. I couldn’t hear my mother in the kitchen cooking breakfast, or my dad yelling at the TV about they’re being too many commercials. It was so quiet I could hear a church mouse. When I reached the bottom of the stairs I saw blood smeared on the wall. My legs went numb, but I had to find the courage inside of me to find out what was going on. As I walked into the kitchen I saw my mother lying on the floor dead.

My body went paralyzed. I panicked and ran back upstairs to my room. I was trying to think if someone broke into the house, but I couldn’t stop crying so I wasn’t thinking straight. I some how calmed down and began to walk to my dresser and held the knife. When I looked into my mirror I began to talk to myself. Then I saw myself moving in the mirror, but I wasn’t the one moving. “Do you really think someone broke into the house?” “What is going on?” “Like you don’t know, I’m you.” “How is that possible? I know who I am.” “Oh please, we are two different people living in one body.”

“What are you talking about?” “I mean that we share a body. See you lost control of your life, so you pretty much created me to help cope with everything.” “ I have a great life. I get straight A’s, my mom loves me unconditionally, my dad is supportive of me, and Eli is my best friend.” “Yeah right, nobody knows who you are in school, your mom doesn’t even recognize that you hate her food, your dad ignores you, and Eli is the golden child. Did I hit the nail on that one?” “Yes.” “You have always been jealous of Sarah too. She always got the attention and everyone loved her, but not you.” “That is why we killed your mother and Sarah.” I heard the front door close. It was Eli. “So you know what we have to do now to make it all right.” “Yup.”

I heard Eli scream since he saw our mother’s lifeless body. He ran upstairs to be surprised that I wasn’t there. The echo of his voice began to fill the house. “Anna? Ann? Where are you?” I stepped around the corner and starred at him with my black lifeless eyes. “I called the police and I checked the house, but nobody is here. Thank goodness you’re okay.” As he stepped toward me I pulled out the knife. “What are you doing with that?” I began to walk his way at a slow pace. “What’s wrong Anna?” “Nothing is wrong. I feel fantastic, and I’m not Anna. She’s gone. You know, she cared about you more than anyone.” His face turned white with fear. He darted for the door, but I caught up to him and hit him in the back of the head with a lamp. Eli fell unconscious, but when he woke up I was hovering over him holding the knife.

“What happened to you? What happened to my little sister?” he said in a weakening voice. “I told you that I am not Anna. My name is Natalie. She created me in her mind because of all of the crap in her life that she could barely handle. She was a ticking time bomb, but before she exploded I came along, and she had no idea. Oh and just so you know I am the one who killed your mother and Sarah. By the way say hi to them for me.”

Where am I now? I am in a mental institution where they treat me like I am in jail. Apparently one of the neighbors heard the ruckus and walked in after I killed Eli. The court decided that since I have a split personality disorder it was a difficult decision, so they decided to send me here. I lost my friends and my family. The only person that has not deserted me is Natalie.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

hey rachael,
Intresting story! This story really got my attention. It reminded me of Lord of the Rings and Star Wars for some reason. I liked how the one person you expected least was the culprit. The main character definately changed because she realized that she was the killer. My favorite part in your story was when she found the knife in her bed, that was a big clue and made me want to keep reading. I think your best quality here is the element of surprise. I liked how you gave a clue, but still made her look innocent. Next time, consider describe whats happening a little more, at times I got a little confused. Otherwise, good job!

Anonymous said...

Rachel,
Wow! Your story was really great-a bit freaky, though. After reading this story I felt a little scared. I could see Natalie killing everyone. This is what stuck in my head. What the story made me think about was a show I watch on tv where two women have DID (split personallity). The main character changes a lot in this story. She starts off as almost perfects when her personallity splits to Natalie and kills everyone. This story is written in first person. The change is important because it makes the story completely different. If she didn't split, then she wouldn't have killed everyone.

My favorite part of the story is the part where she discovers that she has an alter. This happens in the rising action. A line that shows this is "do you really think someone broke into your home?" This line is said by Anna's alter, Natalie. what this stood for is the first time that Anna meets her alter.

The tale's best quality was it's dialog. I felt like I was watching a movie. A line that shows this is “That is why we killed your mother and Sarah.”

What do you think would happen if you spaced your dialog out in separte paragraphs. I really enjoyed reading you story.

Anonymous said...

wow. that stroy is creepy. man that story scared me. i wonder how some gets s plit personality. i wonder they would feel. your story made me feel real scared.
i guess the character did change over time because she got very mad at her life even though she said that she had a perfect life. she changed a lot by getting a split personality disorder which must be pretty scary. with out anna the story would have probably be way different, ex. no body would have died. btu thats just how you wrote the story.
well my favorite part of your story would be... when she found that knife in her bedadn she had no clue where it had come from. it also kind of gave me an idea that maybe she had killed her friend. it made me want to keep reading.
my favorite quote would be "I lost my friends and my family. The only person that has not deserted me is Natalie." this sentnce really creeped me out. and i think it's a great way to end a story. it seems kind of sad though.
well i thought your story was well written and well thought out. i don't really have any advice for you except that it was awesome. good job.

Anonymous said...

hey Rachael
That was a pretty cool story! It kept my interest the entire time. It sort of reminded me of those 48 Hour Mystery shows because they have those twists and turns and you don't expect something to happen. I think the main character definately changed because she went from being the smart, quiet girl to the insane killer. My favorite line was "Oh and just so you know I am the one who killed your mother and Sarah. By the way say hi to them for me." It made me wonder if she would be caught or if she'd kill again. I thought the best quality was your story's plot because it kept me reading. One piece of advice I'd suggest to think about next time would be to separate the dialogue in their own paragraphs because I was a little confused in the beginning with Natalie and Anna's conversation. Great job!

Anonymous said...

Hello Rachael! This story was awsome! I really enjoyed reading it. I have to admit, I think you really captured the essance of a person with a split personality. The story reminded me of cop shows like Law and Order, sometimes there are people like this on these shows. Its freaky!

The main character obviously changes, well two different peolpe to be exact. Without the character changing, there would be no story. My favorite quote was "The only person that has not deserted me is Natalie." I thought it was interesting that you would bring up Anna's second personality as the only person who didn't desert her. It's a pleasent surprise! It shows that she, Anna, is not willing to let go of Natalie. And that she might kill again. I don't think there is anything that I would change, it was really good!

Anonymous said...

WOW Rachael,
This was a great story. This remnded me of like a couple movies added into one. I felt a little sad for the main character how she ends up. The main charcter changed a lot because she ended up being the killer without even knowing it.

My favorite part was when she admites that she is the killer. It is just a great line how she adds it to his death i thought. Your plot overall was great. Everything flowed together nicely. I didn't get confused once.
P.S. Thanks for using my name as not the crazy one.