Amanda looked out of her bedroom window. It was a lucid and snowy day. The snow was collecting on top of the roads and leaving no trace of cars driving by. The grass was lightly dusted with new fallen snow and the evergreen trees could barely be seen through the ghost white powder. Amanda wished she were outside. She dreaded being in this place and just wanted to be set free.
Amanda was one of the healthiest girls around. She never got the flu or a cold and seemed almost immune to disease, until terror struck. Amanda was diagnosed with cancer. Her and her family had no idea what to do. Amanda was terrified and her family did not think they could deal with it. So in order to save the family and keep Amanda in good health, they sent her off to a hospital where she has been ever since. She hasn’t seen her family in many years and no one had come to visit her until now.
After staring out the window for quite some time, Amanda decided to go have a little breakfast. She was not really in the mood to eat, but it would get her mind off of things. After breakfast was finished she retired back to her room. Once again she began to stare out the window. All of a sudden, there was a lady walking toward the hospital. Amanda thought she looked familiar, but she could not put her finger on how she knew her. Then a few minutes there was a knock on Amanda’s door.
“Hello, Amanda, there is someone here to see you. May we come in?” asked one of the nurse’s.
Amanda was so excited she ran toward the door. Having a visitor was the only thing she had wanted. The nurse slowly opened the door and Amanda found herself looking at her long time friend Kloe. Amanda began to cry. She was so happy to see her best friend she just could not hold back her emotions.
“Well, well, well look what we have here,” said Kloe.
“Why are you in this dump?”
Amanda did not know what to say should she make up a lie and tell her that she was just here on a checkup and not here with a life threatening disease. So many things were going through her mind. Amanda decided that she had to tell her. They had been friends for so long and she could not just lie to her like that.
“Well you see Kloe, I was diagnosed with cancer and my family decided to put me here for their sake,” explained Amanda.
Once again the tears started to come. Kloe came over and gave her a big hug.
“It is ok we will get through this, but I have one question. Do you want to get out of here?”
Now you see Amanda had never really thought about this idea. She was too busy staring out her window waiting for someone to come and visit her.
“Yes, I would love to get out of this place,” Amanda said.
There was no way Amanda was going to get any better so she decided to make the most out of the little time she had left. And what better to spend that time with her best friend Kloe.
They quickly ran out of the building, but not before packing all of Amanda’s clothes. They raced to Kloe’s car almost losing their balance on the newly fallen snow. They were going to take a road trip all the way to
They loaded up on gas and headed toward the highway. The girls occasionally stopped for food or gas but then quickly went back on their way. It took them about ten days to make it to
Amanda was slowly getting sicker and sicker. There was one last thing she wanted to see and that was the
Kloe took her straight to the hospital but it was too late. Amanda had passed away. It was a sad time for everyone but at least she was able to go across the country and finally get out of
10 comments:
Meghan-
Your story was great! I remember most when you described the snow. That was my favorite part. You made it sound so perfect. The main character didn't really change throughout the story except for going from healthy to sick to sicker. My favorite part was in the beginning when you described the snow. You used the best words and it almost sounded like a poem."It was a lucid and snowy day. The snow was collecting on top of the roads and leaving no trace of cars driving by. The grass was lightly dusted with new fallen snow and the evergreen trees could barely be seen through the ghost white powder." I think your story's best quality is your word choice. You used unique vocab and everything flowed nicely. The only thing I think you could have made a little bit better was that your dialog sometimes wasn't very realistic but other than that, I loved it!
Meghan.
I loved the story. I remember how you described seeing snow. How amazed she was at it.
Yes the main character changes, but its not huge.
I don’t have one favorite part. I liked how you got the feeling of you being there side by side with your main character. I liked how when you were describing seeing the snow you could feel it touching you.
I think the best thing about the story is the description. You made me feel as though I was there.
One thing I would change is that when the people are talking it doesn’t sound like a real conversation. Fix that and everything is great!
Meghan, that was really good story! I connected to your main character because it made me think about what would happen if someone I knew had a disease like cancer. Amanda going from somewhat healthy, sicker, and then eventually dying was sad, but you made it work by explaining that she was happy before she died. My favorite part of the story was your introduction because I thought you had great word choice and it was really descriptive. I could picture the snowy scene you described. I think the strongest part of your story was your introduction because it kept me interested in the story. My only suggestion for next time would be to work on the dialogue between your characters.
Meg,
I like your story a lot. It was very descriptive. The way you described how the snow was coming down made it seem like the reader was sitting with Amanda looking out the window. "Amanda looked out of her bedroom window. It was a lucid and snowy day. The snow was collecting on top of the roads and leaving no trace of cars driving by. The grass was lightly dusted with new fallen snow and the evergreen trees could barely be seen through the ghost white powder. Amanda wished she were outside. She dreaded being in this place and just wanted to be set free." This paragraph was diffidently the strongest one out of the story. My advice to you would be to make the story a little longer and tell why the family had sent her away. Get into a little more detail about that. Otherwise you story was really great and i really enjoyed reading it.
hey meghan,
Great story! I loved your beginning! The snow falling sounded so pretty. The main character changed healthwise, but not any other way. My favorite part in your story was when the main character got to go to California. I was happy she got to see it before she died. Your best quality was definately describing the snowfall. It sounded like you put in a lot of effort and you made good word choices there too. Next time I would suggest to explain more evenly, it seemed all your decription was at the beginning. Otherwise, good work!
Hey Meghan,
Your story was really sad but really good. My favorite part was probably how you described the snow. It sounded so peaceful. My favorite line was "It was a lucid and snowy day. The snow was collecting on top of the roads and leaving no trace of cars driving by. The grass was lightly dusted with new fallen snow and the evergreen trees could barely be seen through the ghost white powder." I liked it because of the detail and description in it.
You used a good word choice, but my only suggestion was maybe expand more. I felt like the story went by too quickly. Good story though.
Meghan,
You did a great job writing your story, it was sad, but it was still really good. The part that stuck out to me was your opening paragraoh. It did a good job getting me interested. I could see the snowy day, and that added a great touch to the story. Your character didn't really change as a person, but she did change physically becuase she got sicker as the trip continued. Your story would have been completely differet if your character had just stayed healthy. My favorite part of the essay was the beginning, and my favorite line was, " It was a lucid and snowy day. The snow was collecting on top of the roads and leaving no trace of cars driving by. The grass was lightly dusted with new fallen snow and the evergreen trees could barely be seen through the ghost white powder." The word choice in those sentences made the story so vivid. I think that was your best qaulity, the vocabulary you used. If I could suggest one thing I would say maybe you could add a little more information, the story felt kind of rushed. Great job!
Dear Meghan,
I really liked your story! I thought it was really sad how her family just shipped her off and never came to visit her. That was really selfish of them. In the beginning you did a great job with the description and I could picture everything that was going on. I think the main character changes because she must have felt neglected and unwanted, but then her best friend came to the rescue to fulfill her dream.
My favorite part of the story was the beginning where you used the great description. The best quality was the description. Try to put some more detail into the ending like Emma said it seemed a little rushed.
Megan your story was really good. I have actually been to Hollywood, since your picture was the sign. I liked the story's idea. Amanda's friend Kloe shouldn't have taken her best friend out of the hospital.
My favorite part if the story was the begining. Iliked it because Amanda was healthy an didn't know she had cacer. Your story was good, nice job!
Meghann!
Nice story, it had a happy and sad ending which I thought was creative. It left me thinking of the people with cancer and the things they can't do. The main character does change; she goes from being sick and lonely to sick and happy with her best friend. The story arc was dependent on the fact that the main character was ill.
My favorite part was when Kloe showed up and they took a road trip to California. It occurred during the climax, and a line I really liked was, “The girls made their way up the hills and reached the summit. Amanda was thrilled.” It showed me how much seeing a new place meant to Amanda.
The best quality was probably detail, because you described things very well. One thing I would advise for next time is to maybe make the plot clearer.
Good story !
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