Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Rescue by Philip M

Once upon a time there lived a man named Arnold. He was wealthy and very hard working. He worked as an architect. He has built and designed many houses even his. The year was 2045 and in the middle of a war. This war had more casualties than the Civil War and World War 2. Arnold had a son named Jeff. He was 16 and had his permit. He was looking to enlist. Arnold thought he was crazy but Jeff didn’t care what his father thought. The only problem was there were strict laws against anyone under 18 enlisting. Jeff thought about a fake ID but they have a machine that you have to scan and it can detect a fake ID.

Two years later he still wanted to enlist and was counting down the days until he could. Two more days he kept telling himself. By this time the war had hit 100,000 casualties. The government knew they had to do something. And a week later they were going to have a draft. When Jeff heard about this he was incredibly happy. He waited out the week and ran down to the draft. He was picked. Jeff didn’t know what he was getting himself into, the worst war in history.

Jeff was sent to training camp and it was brutal. He drove himself insane trying to do all the push up and sit ups. But after a little while they felt easier to him. He wrote to his dad everyday. He told him about how everyone was so mean and how he wants to give up, but his father’s words of encouragement kept him going. He finally got through training and was being sent to war. He wrote this to his dad. Arnold, who was diagnosed with cancer and the doctors said he didn’t have long to live. Jeff had to go for six month so he hoped his father would hold out that long.

The next week Jeff was shipped out to Japan. His task was hard and would take the whole six months. He was on a search and rescue mission. His team was supposed to find another team who went in a while ago. Jeff and his team had a dangerous mission, even though the commanders told them it wasn’t, they had to get through Japans main command post, and it was heavily guarded. His team was made up of two snipers, and machine guns. For the next two month they will be trying to find out where Japan’s post is located.

After about two months of searching they finally found it. The Japanese kept moving their post to different places so no one could find it. Jeff and his team were so happy they found it they feasted on nearly half their food. The team decided that they should send a scouting team out to see how well the place was armed. Jeff heard some gunshots and they all came back. The team had lost 1 person, their best gunman, Alfred, who got shot straight through the head. But then they mentioned a wall being unguarded. The entire team then went to the wall, got over it and jumped down inside.

Now it was time for the hardest part of the journey, they had to rescue another team who had been caught and had valuable information on them. Jeff spotted a palace in the center of the city. They managed to slip inside and caught a glimpse of the team they had to rescue. Soon as Jeff and his team found the other one, guards came walking around the corner. Guns were fired and the guards were dead. The team then took the bars off the jail cell and searched to find some guns. With all the new people they could walk right out the front door. But they didn’t so no one would know they were there. They went the same way out of the town. Once they got to the wall Japanese soldiers were standing there. Jeff, the team’s captain, decided that they should just shoot all of them. After doing that they climbed the wall with no problems. They called a helicopter to pick them up, and they all went home.

Jeff father died one day after he got home. Jeff and his team received a medal of honor. The war ended a few months after that because a US assassin killed the emperor. Years later he educated people on the war telling them about how it started and how it ended. The assassin was actually one of Jeff’s friends during their journey. Jeff is now 52 and still teaching kids about World War 3.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well well well, verry nice philly.
I was held in suspense throughout your entire story and thoroughly enjoyed your tale of WWIII.
The only problem i found wrong was that on plural words the "s" was missing.
My favorite part was when Albert got shot in the head, it had the most description and was the most exciting part of your story.
Your stories best quality was sentence length. Sentences were varied and many types were used to keep your readers interested.
My only advise would be to revise a bit more careful, there were som,e grammar mistakes and plurals w/o an "s".
But overall, verry nice work.
/,,/-_-/,,/

Anonymous said...

That was a very engrossing story, Phil. It made me think about war and heroism. As I read the story I pictured a group of people in enemy lines trying to save people, like Saving Private Ryan.
Over the course of the story the main character matures and realizes what war is really like. He becomes a hero and an adult. If the character didn't change they probably wouldn't have been able to rescue anyone.
My favorite part of the story was in the rising action where you describe the team's mission and how they rescued the people."The team decided that they should send a scouting team out to see how well the place was armed." is an example of the action in the story.
This story's best quality is its exciting use of concise description to narrate the action in the story. It does not get too wordy, so that the description gets in the way of the action.
The next time you write an essay I would try to get the story to congeal and make a little more sense in the editing phase. The story jumps around a little too much. I would also work on the epilogue paragraph, and explain the story a little bit more.

Anonymous said...

Phil I really liked your story. The main character changes from the beginning to the end because in the beginning he is really sure about his decision but once he is actually in the army he is doubtful. He needs his dad’s motivation to keep him going. It was really interesting and it was very well-written. What I liked the most was the rising action when Jeff and his team were sent in to find his other troops. This part was very good. I think that the best qualities of your story were your sentence length and your detail. There were some grammar mistakes, but overall it was a very great story.

Anonymous said...

Phil.
Hey there. I thought your story was very good. When I was reading it I thought that it would be pretty weird and I wouldn’t like it but then as I kept on reading I enjoyed it more and more.
Yes I think the main character changes over the story. From the beginning to the end he definitely matures and finally realizes what the war is all about. Without this change I don’t that the story would have had the same impact as it did.
My favorite part of the story was when the men finished there mission and saved the people. I was happy they saved all of those lives.
I think that the stories best quality would have to be the way you made the people talk. It sounded simple but complex at the same time. You knew what they were going to do and say without actually saying it.
One piece of advice I would give you is to just re-read when you are finished. You jumped around a little, and I was lost in a part. But other than that I loved it!

Anonymous said...

Phil,
hey look i read you sotry like to told me. its was a good story i liked it a lot. it was very suspenseful.
Jeff really transformed throughout the story. He went from wantin to go top war, you hating and wanting to come home, and then to becominga hero (sort of).
My favorite line in you sotry was..."When Jeff heard about this he was incredibly happy. He waited out the week and ran down to the draft. He was picked. Jeff didn’t know what he was getting himself into, the worst war in history. "
Thething i would change is maybe a few grammar errors and a little more detail. but other than that great job it was really good.

Anonymous said...

Phil,
Great job on your story. This reminded me of the movie Saving Private Ryan. The picture that you used was also from that movie too. The main character changes over the course of the story because he went through military training to make him stronger. If he was already eighteen and went to war then he probably wouldn't have the mentality that he had afterward.
My favorite part of the story was in the rising action. The reason is because I liked how you had a major event going on in the world and having something going on at home for Jeff. This kept the story interesting. "Arnold, who was diagnosed with cancer and the doctors said he didn’t have long to live. Jeff had to go for six month so he hoped his father would hold out that long."The best part of the story was the setting because I likd how you had the setting in a different part of the world. Next time I think you should expand your use of vocabulary. Good story!