Thursday, January 31, 2008

Pirate Patricio by Lindsay B


As the ship rocked with the immense waves, Pirate Patricio didn’t even flinch. He was the bravest pirate in all the land and nothing frightened him. He had gone on countless journeys across the oceans, through the jungles, and over mountains far and wide. Pirate Patricio was very knowledgeable when it came to navigation but he was not a very kind man. Being a pirate and all, he took what he could get, even at the cost of others. In fact, once, he burned down a boat full of gifts to bring to a charity just so he could keep a thing or two for himself.

Pirate Patricio was setting out for his most challenging adventure yet. He planned to go to Cash Cay which was a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. No man had ever ventured all the way out to Cash Cay and made it back alive. Ancient legends say that there is a buried treasure hidden within Cash Cay’s deep bramble. Supposedly, the hidden treasure is guarded by an evil spell that won’t allow the jewels to leave the small, uncharted island. This didn’t bother Patricio one bit. In fact, he found it exciting that he would be the first one to advance all that way.

Once Patricio’s ship was packed with supplies, a makeshift crew, and Patricio’s other treasures, they were off. Patricio had nothing but confidence in himself but don’t be mistaken, he was not cocky. He was a stern leader and nobody questioned his authority. His crew was made up of the men he took mercy on when robbing their houses, boats, or anything else with value.

The journey to Cash Cay was a harsh one. They lost five out of twenty men and three more were getting sicker by the minute. But once Patricio’s ship pulled into the rocky shore, he knew it would all be worth it.

“Stay here,” he commanded, “Nobody leave the ship. If I’m not back within a week, come looking for me. If that happens, and I emphasize the ‘if’ part, be very careful. Many dangers lurk around every corner and I don’t want to lose any more men than we already have. I’m sure I’ll see you all in a few days. Good bye!” And with that, Patricio was off.

It took a good thirty minutes to get from the ship to shore because he of course had to use the row boat in the shallow waters. But once he lugged himself onto the soft, white sand, Patricio didn’t hesitate and began his search right away.

High and low he looked but could find nothing but panthers, snakes, spiders, poisonous vegetation, and salt water. Patricio didn’t even know where he was going to set camp and the sun was already beginning to cast a hazy shadow over the island’s mysteries. But Patricio could not rest until he found a place to stay the night. At that very moment, he saw a flame in the distance. Puzzled, he followed it until he reached what resembled a village. Tiny mud huts lined up along side a dirt road. Animals kept inside of pens and children running around, playing some sort of game that involved a stick and a pebble. A beautiful, young woman with long black hair and a turquoise necklace on slowly sauntered up to Patricio. Patricio had never seen such a beautiful woman. She was so real looking compared to the women back home. Her flawless complexion matched her dark chestnut eyes beneath her dark eyebrows. Patricio couldn’t help but stare.

“Can I help you?” the nameless woman asked in a soft, pure voice.

“Yes, my ship is wrecked and I have no place to stay for the night. Is there any way you can help me?” Patricio asked while lying through his teeth.

“Oh yes of course, we always have room here. I’m Natika. Welcome to my village.” She said with a smile.

“Patricio. The pleasure is all mine.” Patricio answered and stuck out his hand for a shake. Natika just stared at it, bewildered, and then turned around to walk away.

“If there’s anything I can do for you, just let me know,” she called back over her shoulder.

That night, Patricio couldn’t stop thinking about Natika. She was so perfect in every way and he didn’t even know anything about her, yet.

Over the next few days, Patricio and Natika spent more and more time together. Patricio forgot about the treasure all together. All he wanted now was to spend 100% of his time with Natika because he didn’t know how long it would last.

Everything was going perfect until Patricio caught sight of the large white sail that barely stuck up above the towering trees. In a day or so, his men would come looking for him and then he might have to leave Natika. Instead of that happening, Patricio would have to come up with a plan to keep them on the ship and send them home.

In the dark of the night, Patricio crept away from Natika’s hut and wandered to the shore. Once he arrived, he took the torch he had with him and waved it furiously. After an hour of that, one of his ship mates, Marg, must have caught sight of it so he paddled the row boat to shore.

“What is it boss?” he asked; ready to fulfill any order Patricio had.

“I want you to take my ship back home. Actually, now it’s your ship. Take her home for me and take good care of her. Take all the men with you and leave me here. Don’t ask any questions.” Patricio commanded.

“Aye aye , sir. But, one last thing…did you find the treasure you were lookin’ for?” Marg asked.

“No, I’ve found one twice as great. Now go on and set sail right away. If the men ask where I’ve gone, tell them you were worried so you went looking for me and saw me in horrible conditions, dieing and I appointed you as captain right there and then. If anyone gives you trouble, then just let them know whose boss. Now, be off!” Patricio said back to Marg, ready to start his new life with Natika.

And with that, the big, white sails that hovered above the treetops were gone by morning and Natika nor her people never new anything about Patricio’s past. He lived happily with Natika from there on out.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Lindsay-
I thought that your story was fantastic! Your story gives me hope that people’s attitudes and the way they come off can change. Your story kind of reminded me of Pirates of the Caribbean because captain Jack Sparrow changed throughout the movie as well as Pirate Patricio did. As I said before, the main character definitely changed over the course of the story. In the beginning, he was very powerful and mean in a way, but by the end, he had fallen in love and become a genuine and compassionate person.
My favorite part of the story was the resolution because I was so happy to find out that Patricio and Natika ended up together, it was so cute! My favorite line was, “Patricio. The pleasure is all mine.” Patricio answered and stuck out his hand for a shake. Natika just stared at it, bewildered, and then turned around to walk away.) I liked this line because it made me laugh, and I could picture you writing it.
Overall, your story’s best features were the plot. I think that it was so creative of you to come up with a story about a pirate and make it so good. Another strength of your writing was the detail you put into everything. Your words painted a clear picture of what you were trying to describe. I don’t think that there is anything to remember for next time, just keep writing fantastic stories :)

Anonymous said...

hey girlfriend! I love your story! Patricio was great. He really changed from the beginning of the story to the end. At first I wasn't sure if i was going to like him. But once he fell in love with Natika he was a better person. I really enjoyed the personalities that you gave your chracters. A lot of there converstations madde me laugh.
Overall, I think your story is the best and it was very uniquie. Keep up the amazing work!!

Anonymous said...

Lindsay one thing i loved about your story was that it was very different from everyone elses. In the end i felt happy for Pirate Patricio even though you described him as not a kind man. Your descriptions helped me picture Cash Cay and Natika very well. I think that meeting Natika helped change Patricio's ways. It turned him into a nicer man and he lost all his determination to find the treasure. My favorite part of the story is when he gives the ship away to Marg.
“'I want you to take my ship back home. Actually, now it’s your ship. Take her home for me and take good care of her. Take all the men with you and leave me here. Don’t ask any questions.' Patricio commanded."
This quote helped to show the change in character Patricio went through from beginning to end.
I think the best quality in your story is your diction. You used a lot of good vocabulary that helped describe the mayjor parts of the story. You kept your tale short and sweet and i have no advice for you!
Good Job!

Anonymous said...

hey girl, i think you did amazing! You're story really entertained me and i laughed through out most of it. Your story is very original and doesn't remind me of anything i have read before. The character changes a lot through out the story and i think its good that Patricio changed. If he hadn't changed and fallen inlove with Natika i don't think i would like him very much. My favorite part of the story was when he first met Natika because that was the beginning of him becoming a better man. "A beautiful, young woman with long black hair and a turquoise necklace on slowly sauntered up to Patricio." I liked that quote because i could just imagine how beautiful Natika was. The best quality of this story was your vocabulary. It made your story exciting you didn't use the same big words over and over again. Overall you did AMAZINGGG!